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People think it’s all romantic Proclaimers lyrics, walks up Arthur’s Seat, and hot Scottish tartan totty. When in fact it’s winching someone on the dancefloor as the lights go up in Espionage, or doing it up against the toilet wall in Frankenstein. Which means you’re always bumping into misjudged Tinder matches, or misguided Hive hookups, and you’re haunted by bad date memories at every turn.
After swiping through the city’s limited offerings for the fifth time in a week, you’d happily resort to olde-timey personal ads if it meant you had a chance of meeting someone new. You may get more matches, but things quickly become weird. It can be stressful trying to work out whether people are promoting a show, or whether dressing like a clown or an elderly person actually turns them on.
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Finding out someone you’re talking to on a dating site lives on the wrong side of the river and wanting to immediately block them. Wondering whether it’s acceptable to cancel a date because they’ve suggested Leicester Square as a meeting place. Picking a busy meeting place and not being able to recognise your date because there are several other people desperately looking at Tinder pictures on their phones. Trying to meet your date at a massive tube station having not specified which exit you meant and spending 10 minutes WhatsApping trying to find each other.
Going on a date with someone and discovering that they actually live with their parents in Surrey, so they’ll move into your flat by date three. Agreeing to meet in Shoreditch despite neither of you living or working anywhere near there, because it seemed like the cool thing to do. Wanting to go on a cool date featured in Time Out but knowing you can’t because literally a million other people will want to do the same.
Always meaning to go on one of those intellectual museum dates to something like the Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition but then never actually being bothered. Thinking about going to Gordon’s Wine Bar but discovering it’s ludicrously busy so ending up in The Slug and Lettuce again. Going to the loo and finding that the queue is so long you panic your date will think you’ve gone for a shit.
Wanting to go on a cheap-ish pub date and having your only real option be Wetherspoon’s. Eventually taking all your dates to the same weird old man pub because it’s cheap and you can get off with them in the corner all night and only three old men will ever see. Because there’s nothing worse than spending a shitload of money on a date that might be utterly crap.
Ending up in a Bella Italia because you have to queue literally everywhere else or have made a reservation last year.
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